Thanks for all the comments from my last post! Okay Mom, here is your picture! Okay, my Mom loves my hair short, and yes Mom, your prayer got answered, here is the proof! And my head has been much cooler in the heat!
So yesterday was a day of rest for me. Well, sort of. I'd put in alot of time finishing up the duct job, so yesterday was a day where I could just kick back and let my sore muscles rest. Did I? Naaa. Instead I decided to surprise Ginger and clean the house, do the laundry, and the grocery shopping. Usually she does that on the weekend, but if I've learned one thing from my Dad (and I've learned much more than one thing), it's little surprises like that do wonders for your marriage. It was her turn to walk in from work and see that everything was done for her. I did get to rest afterwards, but that little act of kindness meant the world to her.
The thing is, I didn't do it because I had to, it's already clean because Ginger does such a good job each week, I just wanted to do something for her. I did it because I love her. I'm so thankful for my wife and out of that comes the actions of love, little acts of service that say I'm thinking of you, I appreciate you, I love you. I did it because I knew she'd appreciate it. You see, I've been in some really bad relationships, dysfunctional relationships. I played a part, don't get me wrong, I was an alcoholic and really codependent. I did things because I felt if I didn't then I'd lose them (which would have been really good losing them, but I didn't want to be alone). But Ginger is different than all the rest, by leaps and bounds. Really, I had to learn how to be loved by God, and have God love me before I could ever think of loving another.
And God did that. First I had to learn how to love God without thinking if I do this for God, I'll get this or that. I had to be thankful in all things, and as I went through those first years of recovery, when there were times of struggle, I had to learn to let God walk beside me and help me. I had to stop trying to portray an image to God, and to others. I had to be me. In those first years of recovery I had to learn who Paul was, not be what others wanted me to be. And as God worked on that, he worked on my relationship with my Mom and Dad and me. I had to learn how to be me and stop trying to do what I thought would please them and just love them.
I was a taker in my addiction. Gimme gimme gimme. My perception of what they wanted me to be and what I thought they wanted me to be was way off. They wanted a healthy, sober, spiritually minded son. How much money I made didn't matter, how much prestige I had didn't matter, even being some leader in ministry didn't matter. If I was walking with God and not doing things for attention then, well, things were doing good. And they prayed, fervently, for a helpmate for me. A wife that wasn't a dysfunctional loon, but someone who would better me.
Boy did there prayers get answered. In the ministry I was in before I began getting involved with CR I learned about the traps I get led into with performance. Heck I was doing everything, but I found myself doing it for my glory not God's. It was when I began getting involved with CR that I learned about this performance trap I get stuck in. That and guidance from my parents. You see, I had to learn this about myself before I would get married. Because marriage isn't about performance. It's not about if I do this then I get this. I've been around too many emotional vampires that suck the life out of me to know this doesn't work. As I reflect now, God had a plan. In those five and a half years of soberiety before I met Ginger, He was preparing me for my wife. For the first time I know what it is to love someone, romantic wise, just to love them. To do things out of kindness, just because I want to. It is a growing process, marriage is hard work, but the investment that Ginger and I have put into it is really paying off. I know, we are only a little over 6 months married and I can't tell you how many people have told us "Your just newlyweds. Phhttt! I watch my Mom and Dad now, 40+ years later, and I know there have been hard times, but I dare to say that watching them now they are more in love than ever. They are my example and what I strive Ginger and I to be in 40 years, God willing.
Just like it seems with all my blogs, the words just come. I have no idea many times what I'm going to write about but God leads me. So tonight I'm on my own, it's girls night out for Ginger and her friends. Me, I'll probably cook chicken wings, rotel, and sit on the couch and watch tv or read. She'll have fun, but we will both be thinking the same thing, can't wait to get back to each other. Yeah, I love my wife, and I thank God each day for the wonderful blessing He gave me, she truly is worth more than any treasure on this earth.....