Week 13 to 15: Depression
Disclaimer: This post is, at times, intense. It discusses depression in a very raw and open way. It has a happy ending but I discuss real, true feelings. Be warned. If you wish to skip the dialog you can go down to where the pictures start. Just wanted everyone to know before you started reading.
So it has been 3 weeks since I have written. I had actually started writing a blog on March 28th and I will share what I wrote below but so much more has happened that I am not sure where to begin. So let us start with what I wrote on March 28th along with a picture that I entitled things that I enjoy. Things were about to take a very dark turn before a Light showed itself. Spoiler alert: Happy Ending.
March 28th:
So today were going to go deep, wade into some deep waters if you will. Some things are on my mind and my blog has always been one of the tools I use to get things from bouncing around in my head. For the most part we are going to talk about fear. We've all experienced it at one time or another and I am trying to find a starting point in my mind. So put on your waders, I promise we won't go past our legs. (update: We are going way deeper lol!)
One of the things that has spurred this on is Tik Tok. So Tik Tok is a mixed bag. You can get some pretty wild stuff on there and more than a few have salty language. But in between the metal sing a longs, corny dances and such are people who are bringing awareness to things like mental health, bullying, and other issues that are quite serious. All issues that, in one form or another, I have dealt with. When I see them I put a comment in and like the post because, well, we need to encourage each other. And in light of some things this weekend I have been able to come face to face with my own demons. Oh yes, just because I am clean and sober and have a grip on reality does not mean I still do not face my own struggles (demons). I am blessed to have a support group and a group of family and friends who rally around me.
Several months ago in the throes of the pandemic I had a chance to talk to someone about getting back into the computer industry. I had been studying the book you see above, the A+ certification and had gone through the book. I will speed read through it again (another talent I have) to catch the highlights before I begin taking practice tests. I am having to do that because I got discouraged. It took a lot of soul searching to realize this. I didn't know what was wrong, why could I not just pick the book up again? I had a fear after the bad news I got because of my past. A closed door. And for a while I decided not to look for anymore doors. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear that I would not be able to find a job in the industry I walked away from several years ago and a past that, as DC Talk says, comes back in my darkest of dreams.
Something my Dad told me came back to me. Don't limit God. My Dad and Mom have always been huge sources of encouragement and wisdom. I had talked to them last week about house hunting and they were able to validate some of the feelings I was going through.
But then I realized I truly was limiting God. This fear was paralyzing. How could God possibly make this work? Like a sheep I forget all too soon what God has done for me, what He has brought me out of. Stage 4 alcoholism. Suicidal Depression. A wife that I could not even begin to have dreamed up she is so perfect for me. Reconciliation with my family. The ability to work with my hands. And a mind with the ability to learn things by practice, patience, and experience. The list would fill a book.
Now:
So that is where I stopped. Some things were going on at work that I, quite literally, had no control over. A job went bad and I was collateral damage in a war between two people with one wanting to prove a point to the other. And with hurt people wanting to hurt people a barge of texts and phone calls over the weekend paired with a horrible Monday meeting in which I saw something I never want to see again. The specifics are not necessarily important other than it triggered my depression, hard. It had nothing to do with perfectionism, wanting to please someone, etc. It had everything to do with wanting to get out. I knew, at that point, my mental health was going to be effected, I just didn't know how hard. So began a slide deep into depression that I had not reached in years. Usually I have a pretty good handle on it. This was scary where my mind was going. Already dealing with a down stairs neighbor who affects my wife's sanity at times and mine. I mean this sliding around thing I can handle. But every knock of the heel seems to get a text or a thump. So this weekend we finally have just come to realize that the situation is never going to be happy for her until she is upstairs, so we will do what we can and just realize she is never going to be pleased. Not to mention the fact that I have a text thread showing just how far we have gone to appease her. I mean when she complains that I get up at 7 to get ready for work, well, I don't know what to say. But I digress.
So some of you are going, you could just call me, you could just text. It is that simple, but it's not that simple. I retreat within, because for years that has been my safe place since I have been sober. My mind palace. During this time I have had no thoughts of using. That will not solve anything. But I would be driving to work and go I have got to get out of here. Praying. Hard. As Ginger stated, your mental health is at stake. So for those of you I didn't call, don't take offense. (Let me say this. There is a special person in my life, Nadine. If I ever reached "that point" I would call you, just so you know. I never reached that point but I did think about you) I did reach out to some of you, not about this but about other things. Like the new house we are hoping to build. Or other questions. I have talked about my fears to my community group and that helped immensely. I talked with my parents about the new house. Had a wonderful Easter. These things grounded me, distracted me. Music distracted me. I listen to a plethora of music.
A song by Falling in Reverse states this. I do not suggest listening to it if you are easily offended (I purposely left out the song title). But it has some merit in describing what state of mind I was in.
I'm not sure if I should say this, *, I'll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
I don't know if it's a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
Is this post-traumatic stressing or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
Yeah, it's not a * phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay?
And it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
Those are raw emotions. It is so much better to get it out of your head than keep it flowing around in your head.
But another thing helped too. Photography. I got out and started taking pictures. Here is where it gets better. Here is where God intervenes. Here is the good news.
Birds have always reminded me of God. Their singing reminds me of how they don't care about where they are getting their next meal or shelter. God takes care of them. Their song reminds me of that. So out on my balcony, taking pictures, my mind clears, my depression lifts and I watch and photograph nature. I take Sophie out there and watch her frolic outside, happy and content, not worried about a care in the world, fully trusting her "Mommy" and "Daddy".
And so from a secular song about depression to a Christian song from Tenth Avenue called Control:
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You're behind and before me
Oh, help me believe
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go, oh
I told you things were going to get better! Had to paint the picture though. And it shows you just how important God uses photography to help me. Ginger grounds me as well. I can come home and tell her everything that is going on. I may not tell her how deep the depression is, but she is such a grounding rod for me, such a pillar of faith and prayer that she helps me when I feel like I am drowning. Half the time she doesn't know it because I am taking care of her. She had a really bad anxiety attack during this time and I was able to help her navigate through it with God's help.
So as everyone was wanting decisions on things and questions answers and I was seemingly distracted, I was.
So where is my mind now? In a state of action. I am crawling out of the depressive hole and I am no where near the level of darkness I was in. I have all the phone numbers I need, all the support numbers I need and if it ever came to that I would use them. I'd tell Ginger first. And believe it or not many of your faces came up during the darkest of those days. Depression, especially suicidal depression tells you your loved ones are better off without you. That is such a lie. Your love, your support, your encouragement were so important. If you struggle with depression, you understand these feelings perfectly. It drives me nuts when people say just pull yourself up. Really? Or you know what to do. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Get over it. Outside influences trigger those chemicals. I have learned to deal with them and I used about every tool I have this time. But don't tell me to get over it or not take it too hard. If you have never dealt with mental illness then don't assume you have the answers. You don't. Your not in my head. God is though. And He brought me to the place where I can write this blog today.
What's the solution? Praying, talking to my loved ones, doing the things I love. Depression is hard, it makes those things you love so hard to do. But my camera is attached to my hand! There are times I think my job is killing me, mentally. And so I am taking steps. I have been told to go into business myself remodeling. in fact a lot of customers of my boss tell me I need to. No. I am looking to get back to my first love, computers. I believe that is where God is leading me. Actually He is leading me to take that test. I am going to have to work this job until that time so I am going to have to take steps to protect myself mentally. And my neighbor, we have taken steps for our mental health in that areas. With the prospect of a new house and new mortgage and that being almost to the point of the wrap up, I can concentrate on the job situation.
I had started going to CR again. I think we are going to another one (I have one in mind and it's friendly). Mentally, I think that is healthier decision. I need a place away from the people at work that I can share and be myself. Not see people at one place who acts different in another.
So to reiterate, I am in a better place. With God's help I can survive this job, but with how it affected my mental health lately, it has become paramount, to my health, that changes need to happen. But during this time I got some amazing pictures and I always love to end on a happy note. So how about some cardinals:
And then there was the woodpecker:
And I love squirrels:
And then with spring we get storms and in Van Texas I got these shots. I actually want to frame one of them!
Text
Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741-741 | website
Thank you all for reading this and for those who support, love, and encourage us. You are loved beyond measure! And the pictures will keep coming and guess what, so will the honest posts. I know this was a deep one, but it ends with good news.
Baa
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