Journals

Where have you been Paul!!!!  Oh I'm here.  Life sometimes gets busy (My best friend's wife had his first child!  Little Chloe and Ginger's sister is here from Florida) but alas, my blog is not far from my mind.  I actually did sit down this weekend and wrote some thoughts but it seemed almost forced like I was trying to create something from nothing.  This post, however, is not such a post.  Usually it happens at work where the words start forming.  The thoughts and ideas come flowing in like a stream, sometimes a raging river, and I try to formulate what will be a post.  Enough babbling.

I've just finished a fascinating book called the Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx.  For those of you in the know, Nikki is the bassist for the 80's hair metal band Motley Crue.  Motley Crue, as I've stated before in an earlier post, was one of the first metal bands that I heard and I absolutely loved their music.  In one of their songs is the lyric "If you want to live life on your own terms you have to be willing to crash and burn."  It was my mantra for years.  But I digress, as usual.  This particular book was a year in the life of Nikki during the height of his addiction.  It is his diary during 1987 with commentary and it is a hauntingly inside look into the mindset of an addict.  I would not recommend the book for someone just in recovery because of the extensive drug use the book describes.  However, if you want to look at the insanity of addiction, as it happens so to speak, it is a book that I, at least, could hardly put down.  And though he had all the money he could ever want to spend on his addiction, the mind and insanity of it, was the same as, say me.  Doesn't matter how much you have, you walk down that road far enough you'll soon see the irrational and dark path and the demons that haunt said road.  What I liked about the book compared to, say Steven Tyler, is that he found God in AA.  I cannot tell you his walk, but he went from not believing in God to believing, so that says something.  And I could relate.  Man, I could relate.  Those thoughts, and ideas, and feelings.  The depression, the hopelessness, the debauchery, the pull, and thinking that you will die addicted, just a matter of when.  He found recovery, and so did I.

So it got me to blow the dust off my own journal.  Yeah, I have a journal.  Not from my addiction, which would probably have been quite similar to Nikki's, but from my early days in recovery.  As I've looked, it is a portrayal of a person with an addicted, insane mind finding his way back to God and finding sanity once again.  It showed some very personal struggles I had and how I'd make progress, fall back, pick back up and go again.  One of the things I did in the year 2004 was a relationship study.  Now this wasn't something I read about or followed, it was God and I.  I started by writing all my past relationships down and began looking for patterns.  Did I find patterns?  Oh yes.  It was very hard because I was very honest.  But I wanted answers.  Because, frankly, the next girl I dated I didn't want to fall into the trap of repeating my past.  So let me direct your attention to a particular passage.  After writing about the past relationships I decided to consider some guidelines to my next relationship.  I titled it:  Points to consider (Guide to Mrs. Right?)

1) Soberiety a must
2) If she must control me, dysfunctional- no no no!
3) I must be a man, she must be willing to be the woman.  (Godly submission)
4) Active Christian
5) May need her to make move (or be setup, like in a church or group)
6) Must not ignore family (mine or her's)
7) Obsession is not love, nor healthy in a relationship, both of us must have lives.
8) NO sex before marriage-loving/not perverted. 

So the solution, partly, is put God first and foremost in your life.  Get a cat (ha! ha!)

Well, the very next person I dated, 3 years later I might add, I married.  I was determined that I wouldn't even go out unless these 8 points were made (and the bottom one as well!).  I'd ask questions discreetly and find most girls I could knock off this question, or that question and it was a no go. Not that I was actively looking, I wasn't.  But you'd think, could she be it?  And you'd find, no.  Ginger blindsided me.  I wasn't looking.  We were friends and she met the criteria and, well, she was also so so so gorgeous.   Actually, we were kinda set up at Celebrate Recovery and since Ginger is allergic to cat's (she is going to the doctor to find if there is a shot she can take for this), so I never got a cat.  Didn't need one.  One of Ginger's most endearing qualities was her love for God.  She loves God first!  And in her life she wants nothing more than to please her Savior.  Naturally, I fell in love with THAT and HER!!!!

When I wrote that in July 2004, I didn't realize that God was preparing me for Ginger.  And I have that written down!  I've gone through my journal and even found passages from when I first met Ginger and my struggle with wanting to make sure God had put her in my life and if she was the one.  Because I wanted God first in my life as well.  In my past the girl became my god and I forgot everyone else.  Ginger has been very, very different.  We are part of each other's families, we love and worship God together, and yes, we have our own lives.  Ginger is, in fact, out with the girls right now.  This life, this simple life, with all it's up and downs, how could I even want to trade it?  Our TV with bunny rabbit antenna, reading on the couch with each other, our Saturday night date night?  Being able to talk for hours about life, us, funny stuff, serious stuff.  And I guess this blog is a journal of sorts as well.  I write things and sometimes I change my mind as I get more information or as God lays on my heart.  And I have that right.  Someone asked me recently why I write this blog?  What's it's purpose?  Who is it for?  Well.  I write it because it is a journey to how a "walking miracle", someone who himself never believed he'd find recovery, found it and how God helps him keep it.  It is to show how a young married couple makes a simple life and loves each other, and God, as good as we can.  As far as who it is for...well...my family, my friends, and anyone who God leads here to.  Will it ever be a "big" blog?  Up to God.  My belief is you help the world one person at a time and if I have helped one person, or brought joy or a smile to a face, or given someone, through God, strength to make recovery one more day, well, then it is big enough for me.

Baa

P.S. Time to listen to Kick Start my Heart....(I'll give you one guess who sings it....)

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