Week 33 and 34 Songs, Pictures and a Synopsis on Traveling Anxiety

 Greetings to my fellow blog readers.  Yes, once again I took a hiatus last week to make it a two week blog.  I spent most of last weekend studying and, interestingly enough, getting into a new band I had discovered (though not new on the scene).  One of Ginger's favorite songs is Holy Water by We The Kingdom.  Last weekend while going through You Tube videos (I watch a lot of stuff on Photoshop, Acrylic Pours, and reviews on the Canon R5 which I am really liking, though it is $3800, lol).   So I came across the song, which I love as well, but I hit upon their album Live at the Wheelhouse.  So a bit of a confession.  I love music.  I love classical rock, heavy metal, Christian rock and metal, Enya, Colbie Caillat, Lindsey Sterling, Old Hymns (Love Lifted Me is one of my favorites).  Yet one of my favorites is praise music.  But not just any praise music, I am pretty selective.  I am not looking for sensationalism, I am looking for genuine worship.   Like Hillsong United and Christ for the Nations.  And We The Kingdom reminds me of them both.  Makes you want to dance sometimes, or raise your hands, or get on your knees and just praise Him.  And coming from someone who grew up Baptist, isn't that something!  My favorite song from them is Dancing On The Waves (And Cages is a close second).  It is one of the few songs that brings tears to my eyes.  In fact David Crowder, Big Daddy Weave and My Excuse (yes, THAT MY EXCUSE)  have songs that do as well and those are the only ones I can think of in the past 10 years that can.  When a song can touch your soul, take you to a place before God and make you thankful for just what He has done both for sending His Son but also rescuing us continually from ourselves, well, that is God inspired song writing.  And in light of the turbulence I have been in it has come at a wonderful and perfect time.

It is no secret that work has been challenging for me these past couple of months.  Not the work itself, I love working with my hands.  But the personalities that I have dealt with had taken a toll on me until I began a road of recovery and am moving toward change.  One of my blog readers told me, you are stronger than you think.  I needed that.  Because I am.  From the depths of an addiction and depression that almost destroyed me I have risen, like a Phoenix, from the ashes.  To see me now from over 18 years ago is to see a completely different person.  But I can tell I am changing.  I had an incident this last week, that shows that change, where when I told someone no and they got rather upset.  Isn't it interesting?  People are nice and your buddy until you say no to them.  And I had good reasons to say no, it could not be done.  But the person didn't want to hear it.  Abrupt and cold they hung up on me.  So usually I would do my best to make that no a yes to make that person happy.  What happened this time?  I got angry.  I wrote a text explaining why it couldn't be done and left it alone.   I stood up for myself.  Which I have been doing more of.  Not in an ugly way.  But that person is no longer in the inner circle.  I learned some wonderful things from my community group again this week about friends and how being selective is not a bad thing and the pitfalls.  Seems God, every two weeks, gives me something new to learn and listen too.  Did things get better?  Yes.  But that is the cycle of narcissism.  And these people are learning that they are losing control of me.  They don't like it.  The things that controlled me don't anymore.   And that is where the music ties into this.  Because God uses the music to encourage and guide me.  Is it a coincidence that God brought We The Kingdom into my life?  I think not.  God is orchestrating up in heaven and I get to see a glimpse.  So instead of walking on water I am dancing on the waves (see what I did there!)

So I have been reading close to 50 to 75 pages a night.  Except for Thursday Community Group night.  It is a sacrifice but it is also interesting reading to me.  I am learning but I am also remembering things.  And because I have kept in touch with computers I am learning names and techniques to the items I have been doing already.  I have a subscription to Maximum PC and I have a feeling I may be building my own computer one day, like I did before the one I have now.  Computers are fun and honestly were my first love as far as career choices.  What does God have in store for me?  I have no clue.  But this journey of studying and reading, well, it is fun.  I am enjoying it.  Ginger is my biggest encourager.  She continually tells me how proud of me she is as I read.  I mean I am substituting TV time with reading.  Is there a bit of fear?  Sure.  Uncertainty might be a better word.  But I have to trust God.  I am on this journey because He has guided me to it.  He has a purpose.  Perfect love casts out all fear, so if I trust in Him I know the path He leads me on is the path I need to go on.

 And since we are having deep conversations in this blog, let's keep the trend going!  I have had to face one of the things that causes quite a bit of anxiety in me.  Traveling.  It began with a conversation with Ginger about this winter and going on two vacations.  One is to see my parents which may or may not happen depending on COVID.  The other was one to Georgetown.  Ginger innocently started talking about Georgetown and I just felt overwhelmed, two vacations close together.   Traveling can cause me anxiety big time.  It is hereditary.  So it sparked a really good discussion between Ginger and I.  

 So as I like to do I began to do some self reflection.  Why.  Why do I have such anxiety?  I mean when I get there I have a wonderful time.  Whether it is my parents house, Georgetown, Gatlinburg or Destin (which was one of my all time favorite vacations, and to think I didn't think I was a beach person!).  It does not stop me from going, I am able to over ride the fear and anxiety, live with it, until I get there.  So what is going on?  Here are some things I have learned and maybe this can help others:

1)  The flying process is anxiety inducing.  There are two things that have helped in this matter.  Upgrading seats and showing up to the airport pretty early.  Both these have helped in the instance of going to see my parents.  Once there everything is great.  Once I land back, everything is great.  Going through security can be a hassle because I take my camera equipment but I have learned to downsize that so that now I don't take everything but the kitchen sink kind of thing.  But when we fly elsewhere, having to get a rental car and all that goes with that.  The last time we were in Georgetown they warned us about getting stranded there when we got there.  So I thought about that all the way up to leaving.  I love Georgetown and think of it often.  But I wish the clerk had not said anything.  Then there is the fact of what if we miss the flight, get caught in traffic, blah blah blah if it's and but's were candy and nuts what a merry merry Christmas we would have.

2)  Driving can be draining.  But I have discovered something.  It does not have to be done in one day.  Somehow every time I take a road trip it is like you have to get there as fast as possible in my mind.  And then I see how Teddy and Asia do it.  They enjoy the process.  Take more than one day.  Enjoy the sites and stay in a hotel that you can relax in.  Instead of driving 14 hours in a day, drive 7 or less.  In fact I have always wanted to go to Fredricksburg around the holiday's.  The only problem would be for Ginger, no snow.  But we have been to Hot Springs and such.  Maybe some places that we can reach in a day in 7 to 8 hours or less might be fun, again I think of Teddy and Asia and their day trips. 

3)  I worry about leaving Sophie alone.  Our wonderful friends (and baby!) take wonderful care of her so this has become less of an issue.  If not for our friends this would be hard.  But I take care of their cats when they are gone and sending pictures and videos each day keeps you connected.  And they do the same.  Sophie is in wonderful hands with them.

4)  Another thing that has become less of an issue is that I don't feel like the entertainment director.  Ginger and I, on our last few vacations, have relaxed, read, enjoyed sun or family, and just relaxed.   And I don't have to set things up, Ginger and her Mom do a wonderful job of setting everything up.  And Ginger doll's up, we go out to eat for dinner, then come back and enjoy life.   Though going out to places where we can take photographs is definitely an idea.  I got some wonderful waterfall pictures in Gatlinburg!  And I love to hike. Venturing out, trying new things can be hard.

 5)  I had to look deep into myself for this one.  Okay ready.   Sometimes I want to take a week off during, for example, Thanksgiving, or even Christmas day to New Years, and just stay home.  I have home projects on the computer and photography and pours I want to do.  I have projects around the house.  I don't want to have to worry about going anywhere, just enjoy our cozy little home.  I am an introvert through and through.  Just being honest here.  Vacations can be great but I haven't had a week off at home for a very, very long time.  Not that I am complaining.  Since COVID and so many losing their job I am grateful to be an Essential Worker and have a job that pays well.  I have not had to have cut hours and even though there was the scare of a paycut, it did not have to happen.  Just mentioning something that some time in the future I would like to do.    

Look this is not a rant against traveling.  There are places I want to go.  I'd love to go to Destin again, Georgetown, Gatlinburg I love and such.  I enjoy seeing my parents.  Teddy and Asia are going (or are already at the Badlands, which would be fun to see!).  But the first step is realizing what is causing the anxiety.  The next is minimizing it in any way I can.  Ginger knows all too well anxiety, it is a fact of life almost daily for her.

So the solution is not not to travel.  I don't want to be a hermit.  There are places I want to see and I enjoy myself for the most part.  First step is acknowledgement, the second is determining are there any ways to help mitigate any of the stressors.  This is a process and I am thankful that Ginger is willing to work with me on this one.  She says the last thing she wants to do is cause me anxiety.  But I also know she loves traveling, so as a team we are working together on solutions.  And that is another key to the puzzle, communication.  Much of this I have kept inside, definitely not a good place to keep it.  So if this helps someone great!  For me, just getting it out helps.

 Okay heaviness over, lightheartedness to end the blog with, of course, pictures!  Though usually around this time of year is my down cycle as far as creativity I have been finding moments of inspiration!  Mostly, from all things, by using my camera phone!  

 

So let's see what is happening in my sometimes mischievous mind!

 

So last week I was working on a ladder, caulking a window with wasp spray nearby just in case the wasps above me had funny ideas.  I nailed a couple in the air so they left me alone!

And what about the cats I took car of!  These cats have two different personalities for sure!

After a couple of days they began posing for me lol!  And lastly what would it be without a picture of Sophie completely relaxed on Daddy just all sprawled out!

So that is it for today!  I hope you enjoyed the blog, I am in a good place this weekend and though not necessarily looking forward to tomorrow and work, I am looking forward to the holiday season kicking off officially for Ginger and I on Labor Day and fall shopping that weekend and decorating for fall!  Everyone keep their head up and thank you for your love and support!

Baa