Week 31 and 32: Dad Update and Gaslighting
Ever felt like this:
So for those that follow you will notice that I did not blog last week. Too much going on last weekend but I will explain it all. Some blogs are full of pictures and how I took the picture what it meant to me, etc. Others are about life. And that is what this one is, life. So let's dive in shall we?
On July 30th my Dad went in for back surgery. It was suppose to be a relatively routine procedure and he could be home in one to three days. That didn't happen. The surgery itself went well, 4 to 5 hours is what we were told. I remember being on pins and needles waiting for the word from my Mom that he was out. He got out but he was also in an extreme amount of pain. So pain medication was administered and it helped. But unknown to us at the time it was interacting with Dad's Parkinson's medication. Thankfully for us, this is something that the doctor knew could happen, and in fact had seen before. It is one thing to have something happen and they or us have no idea what is happening. It doesn't lessen the concern as our loved one is concerned, but we knew God was in control. Because even before the surgery we were praying for wisdom for the doctors, guidance and peace. For a week it was as if my family, especially my Mom, held our collective breath. So as the doctor did what he knew needed to be done, Dad got better. I will not forget the text from my Mom when she said Dad was "dad" again. You see I understand that. Last year on June 30th and July 1st Ginger had two seizures. I remember Ginger not being herself and then slowly coming back to "Ginger". I knew all too well. Mom knows Dad. They have been married a lot of years (I am not giving away ages!). The good news is that Dad is now on the mend. He will be in the hospital another 10-14 days in rehab to make sure his back heals properly and he learns how to not hurt it. Mom is breathing a bit easier. It has been a roller coaster for her. With COVID, only one person is allowed into the hospital with Dad. So it isn't like we could have a bunch of people up at the hospital. So Mom was on point. A mighty responsibility but she did wonderfully. And we prayed. Everyone prayed. And those prayers were heard, answered, and felt. We have a wonderful, caring God. I remember coming home and hearing Ginger was playing Words with Friends with my Dad. Felt good. Dad was apparently one night going to listen to his favorite band CCR as he went to sleep. I have been listening to CCR all this time as well, as support, and it helped me keep focus as I prayed for him. We are out of the weeds, on the mend, and thankful to all who prayed and continue to pray.
And as if that wasn't enough.....
So on a personal front, I have been going through some things myself. The most important thing to talk about was my Dad and I have been distracted with that. But for the past few months (and as I look back on it longer than that) I have been going through something I just could not put my finger on. It affected my depression but not in a sharp decline kind of way. More a losing touch with reality type of way. A slow burn. A nagging presence in the back of my head. Not sure what I am really feeling and not within my own head. This is going to become clearer as you read, I am not crazy but I thought I was headed that way. Been praying for clarity and last weekend I got it.
So I was doing my normal Saturday morning ritual with Sophie. She likes to get me up (Sophie ready to get up gets her all excited and she runs to the edge of the bed ready to get up. She IS a morning dog!). I was flipping through an app called Flipboard, looking at various photography articles when I ran across an article with Gaslighting in the title. I thought, hmmm, maybe this has something to do with Steampunk, a genre I am interested in. This article changed my life. You cannot, CANNOT, tell me that God did not lead me to that article. He knew. And as I have talked about it to my community group (who are all close friends) and other close friends in my circle, it has become clearer and some have even seen the toxicity that I have been exposed too.
Okay, okay. What is gaslighting. Okay from Wikipidea:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them, cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to belittling the victim's emotions and feelings, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
From Psycology Today:
Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed.
From the same article:
An incident had happened on Friday that had all the classic symptoms (9 out of 11 symptoms over time). I just didn't know it till Saturday. For the longest I have been finding myself apologizing for someone else's behavior or actions. I dealt a lot with this very thing at the apartments I worked at, I did not expect to find it now. So first of all, this has nothing to do with Ginger or anyone in my family. I will leave it at that. Most close to me will figure it out, but for reasons I cannot disclose I need to be vague at the moment. It can happen to anyone but those with codependency tendency issues I think it can work more effectively. And it can be done purposely or even unconsciously. I remember at community group asking can a believer do this? A resounding yes. I asked am I right that I have been in a toxic environment? Another resounding yes.
I pride myself on the fact that I am pretty intelligent and have a high IQ. I have a knack for figuring things out and take pride in my work. But for some reason for this person I just have never been good enough. Oh, I get snippets of praise. But for the most part my faults and failures are pointed out far too often to be coincidence. And when those faults and failures were not my fault they were made to be my fault. If only I had done "this". And it has eroded my self confidence. I found myself on an island. I found myself not having the creative spark I once had. I found myself retreating inside a shell, I was building walls. You see I got good at walls in my addiction. Blocking out the pain and not feeling. Thankfully, I was not in a place where I wanted to relapse, but let this go for long enough without help and I could be vulnerable to that. The fact is, I am never good enough for this person,they want me to be an extension of them.
And yet I got this from Ginger's family:
But I never had a name for it. I didn't know what was going on. And then that article. I have talked to this person, tried to reason but it was always turned around on me. Come to find out your never suppose to try to reason with a gaslighter because it will get turned around on you. My goodness a lightbulb went off. I remember last Saturday after having read the article taking Sophie on a walk. Ginger had injured her foot and couldn't walk very well. On that walk I began to feel again. I was listening to some music conducive to me feeling. Goodness, emotions came flooding in. Creativity began coming into my head so fast I couldn't stop it. And different points of time came to my mind, gaslighting times. It hasn't been one incident, it had been several. And it had gotten worse because of one incident that had happened 4 months ago. And that incident had started a chain of events that led me to start studying for my certification. And this person, not knowing that, but sensing they were losing control, doubled down.
This person (I could possible says persons) has been trying to change me to what they want me to be. And I realized I was putting my security in this person, not God. Trying to manipulate me to be a person and personality that I am not. And last week, when my eyes opened, truly, I opened myself up for healing. And action. The first step, asking God to forgive me for putting a person above Him. I am normally a passive person. (I had one of my closest friends tell me this in love. To say I am thankful is beyond words. Friends, true friends, tell you the truth in love. Sometimes they have to wait till your ready, but this person has been patient with me. And is a completely different personality. But they have never, ever tried to influence me one way or another. God has been showing me what true friendship and accountability is). Go with the flow. But sometimes you have to get off your duff, especially when God has made it abundantly clear, and put to action what God is telling you. I have always admired people who could move beyond fear and forge the path that God has provided for them. I am thinking Peter on the boat. Stepping out on the water. I want to be that way.
I mean look. I am self taught in photography. I am self taught in Photoshop. I am an excellent carpenter. I have gone from not being much of a handyman to being a darn good one that can fix just about anything given enough time, just like my Dad. And God has given me all that knowledge and wisdom because He has guided me where to go in all of that.
So healing has begun. The first step, of course, was recognizing what the problem was. And though, right now I cannot separate from this person completely right now, there are healthy actions I can take. (I do realize that if you have a spouse doing this these bullet points may change)
1) Realize that I do not have to conform to that person's reality. I am God's. He has given me a personality all my own. If someone feels the need to change that I have to realize they are not God. God made me who I am. Accept that or move on. Most times gaslighters are pushy Type A personality. They do not want to take no for an answer. Well guess what, no.
2) Take their control away. When I put my trust and security in God, it does not matter what this person does, if I have let God have control of my life. God is my protector and provider. I cannot lose sight of that. Who would you rather provide for you? God who has infinite wisdom and resources, or someone who thinks they know what is best for you in their eyes but is not God? I am gonna go out on a limb and say God. Listen to what God says about you. If someone has authority over you it doesn't mean you have to be a door mat.
3) Stay grounded. My community group, I cannot say enough, is my sounding board but also my source of grounding that God has provided. There is absolutely nothing that I cannot bring to them. Heck when I talked about gaslighting, a few had personally experienced it and everyone knew about it. And bonus, everyone agreed, I definitely was being gaslighted. I love each member in this group deeply. And Ginger is my biggest source of grounding, she has always, always stood by me.
4) Work towards getting out of the situation. This is in the works but has gone from a passive mentality to an active one. I have some long days ahead, studying, working out plans, but the sacrifice will be worth it. And Ginger is so on board. It does not mean I will not have time for Ginger, she is my number one priority in this household. But I can study while seated right next to her.
5) Trust God. God led me here back to Tyler and that is evident by what has gone on with Ginger and I. But God has a plan for each of our lives. And He continues to guide me (and Ginger). And so far everyone in my inner circle of wisdom has agreed with the direction that God is taking me. I just have to get over my fear and trust God.
6) Limit contact. Social media can be a good thing and a very bad thing. So I have had to do some purging on social media and limit contact with who can see our information. Those that need to see it God will make a way, to that I have no doubt, but I have to be able to talk freely and to do that I must feel safe.
7) Do not stay on the island. They want to isolate you. My advise, stay connected with those that love you. See stay grounded above. If you are isolated, their voice is typically the only one you will here. Do not allow that to happen. Reach out.
One final thought on this. Most people on the outside will not see the gaslighters behavior. They are usually in good standing, people are like, no this person is great. But behind the scenes, it is a much different story. It is why this mental control is so insidious. People do not see it from the outside. Even Ginger said to me, without knowing what I know by what you said Paul, I'd never know. Let me say it again, behind closed doors it is a different story.
There is so much more I could say on this subject. I have the Reddit app and have been reading other peoples stories. Dr. Les Carter has been invaluable with some of his insight. And I have begun taking control back. And some have noticed. And as this person continues to realize they are losing me I expect them to ramp it up. But I am ready. I have my reality back, I have a group of friends who are texts, phone calls, lunch meetings away from helping me, and my lovely wife is there to encourage me daily so that each day I get home I can get washed in love and truth. And let me say this. God has never dropped me. He has never abandoned me. Maybe He hasn't taken the storm away, but He has never left me alone in the storm.
And my creativity. Well, I look forward to the creations bouncing around in my head!
So let's leave on a funny note (and in a much better place!). Yep the long hair is back!!!!!!
Baa
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