Week 6: Defined by our Decisions?

Interesting week to say the least!  So this week I was asked my opinion on a comment someone had made about a mental disorder.  Being vague on purpose.  Basically what was said was that the decisions one makes in a mental disorder don't define that person, I read it as, I am not responsible for what I do in the throes of my disorder.

Crickets chirping.....

Okay, so my qualifications in writing my response are well documented.  I have severe depression and anxiety (documented) and Ginger has bipolar and anxiety (again documented).  I will not go into the specifics of how severe from in the past, if you wish you are welcome to email me (piercedheartart@gmail.com) and I will be happy to talk with you privately.  Our families read these blogs and rehashing things from the past makes them relive some very unpleasant times.

So my personal thought on this issue is that my decisions do indeed define who I am or how people perceive me.  I know when I am depressed.  Ginger knows when she is in hypermania and when she is in a depressive state.  We both know when anxiety is raging through our body.  If I say something out of my depressive state, I am fully aware of what I am saying.  The depression may make the situation that I am dealing with worse and I want to lash out.  But there is something called managing your mood.  Now I am talking to people here who have been diagnosed.  People who know they have a disorder.  When your in the process of discovering what is wrong, you don't know your lashing, or splitting, or what.  Even in a suicidal state, I am aware of what I am doing.

But back to managing your mood.  Ginger and I are great communicator's.  We know each other and we know each other's illness.  And because of that we can talk to each other when we are in a state of distress and help each other through that.  And if you have a mental disorder, it is imperative that you utilize every resource you can.  You develop plans.  You develop code words (My fun meter is pegged is my favorite code phrase).

Here is the other thing.  You ask and get help.  Which leads me into the next topic that was presented to me, this time dealing with depression.  Depression can paralyze you if you let it.  It can cause you to want to escape (I escaped through alcohol for years, I know people who have used work and even games (video or rpg)).  There are times that all you can do is just sit down and pray that God give you that next step.  But I have learned something in dealing with my depression.  I have responsibilities that I must fulfill.  Just because I am depressed does not give me an excuse not to go to work.  After all I have a family to support. As much as I love photography, I am not going to call in sick for a day (or week) just to escape into photography.  But I digress.

So when I got to Tyler everything I owned fit into this bag:

Yep I still have it.  In 2006 I got off a bus with a place to stay which was not necessarily my first choice, but it was God's, no car, and no job.  I also dealt with depression and anxiety.  So how did I get to where I am at today?  I am married with a beautiful wife, we live in a wonderful apartment, I have a very good job, and we have transportation.  But it started with working at $8.00/hr job and not my choice of job.  And then, for the longest time I made $10.00.  I had to rely on rides until I got my first car for $1.  Yep, $1.  It was a hoopty, but I loved that car.  Because each job I got, each car I got was from God and I was thankful.  I worked at jobs I was taken advantage of because of my skill set.  I had to, and still do, do things I did not really want to do.  But God was there with me, and then with Ginger and I.  How we got the apartment that we live in now was nothing short of a miracle from God.  And guess what.  Through all of this I have dealt with depression and anxiety.  Some days it was just getting up and going to work.  But what helped me was having a schedule.  I deal with insomnia but what has helped the most is going to bed at the same time each day and getting up at the same time (including weekends within an hour).  If I can't sleep, sometimes I get up and read but I still get up at the same time.  Am I tired, absolutely.  But the next night I am usually sleeping soundly.  I laugh now, I am usually in bed by 9:30pm because Sophie gets me up around 5 to 5:30 each morning.  I'm not mad, it has allowed me to have morning quiet time.    Even today I have a schedule, for example, of when I blog.  But I was also washing blankets and sheets this morning, doing the grocery shopping yesterday while Ginger cleaned, taking care of things.  I help Ginger with her medication but she gets her medication when it is needed, we help each other.  I don't control Ginger, I help when it is needed.  When the depression gets bad I take care of my responsibilities and then do what I can to manage my mood.  But sometimes I have to take care of Ginger and Sophie, which I do happily, and then deal with my mood in the late hours or early mornings.  Sometimes I get in my studio in the morning and just talk to God.  He's there.  And He answers. That is what the picture above is about.  Me in my newly revamped studio, praying.  There are 4 windows that let in wonderful light.  And when Ginger is sleeping and Sophie is napping I get some time alone with God.

There is a song by Shinedown called Get Up, about depression.  Sometimes all it takes is just getting up:

"Hard to move mountains when you're paralyzed,
But you gotta try
And I'm calling out

Get up, get up
Get a move on"

I know the paralyzing feeling.  I know the escaping.  If I can do something else maybe I can take my mind off the things I have to do.  I have learned that sometimes the best thing to do is to hit it head on.  Get it done.  And if it is causing anxiety, when it is done, the anxiety goes away.

Now let me say this.  Sometimes the mental disorder is so severe you cannot work.  Ginger is in this camp.  Her bipolar and anxiety are so severe she cannot have a good quality of life working.  But this was after working for several years, sometimes painfully.  And this is with a doctor's approval, much prayer, and guidance from God.   But even without working, Ginger has responsibilities that she does.  She still has to take care of Sophie.

These are Ginger and I's experiences.  Let me say this.  Wise counsel is imperative in dealing with the things we have.  We are not on an island.  I have had those close to me guide me, tell me the truth in love, and tell me what I needed to hear, not necessarily what I wanted to hear.  Do you need help getting out of a rut?  Do you need help with decisions and guidance?  Go to God and go to those that God guides you too and listen.  Not only listen but act.  Are you in a storm?  Jesus gave us a perfect example of walking with us through the storm (and sometimes carrying us).

Much of this is coming from meditating on this for the past few days.  And it is my opinion.  But it is an opinion that comes from experience.

So on a light hearted ending, I love light painting in photography and this is something I had fun with this morning:

I love fluorescent colors so this was right up my alley!  Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Baa