20 Years

A Cardinal we named Firecracker

 

 

Taken This Morning

 

Thursday at 3am in the morning I woke up in a sweat.  I'd just had a nightmare about a day 20 years ago.  I wake up, look around and realize I am in my comfortable bed, Sophie curled up next to my chest and my lovely wife sleeping next to me.  I am use to this on this day, happens almost every time on my recovery anniversary.  This one was special though.  20 years.  Let that sink in.  20 years ago.  I still remember what I was drinking and that I was suppose to go to work at 12.  Obviously I never made it.  I also never realized recovery was possible, resigning myself that I would be that way forever, recalling the words of a particular counselor I had.  Wasn't for a lack of trying, though in hind sight I was trying to quit for the wrong reasons.  I tried to quit for my family.  I tried to quit for a girl.  I tried to quit so I wouldn't lose a job.   The list goes on.  But alcohol is a powerful substance.  I had used it for many years to run from pain, heartache, abandonment, and rejection.  It was my go to.  I could always rely on it to send me into oblivion.  And it did it's job, very well.  What I didn't know, or more importantly didn't want to believe (called denial) is that it had the potential to take away everything in my life.  And it did.  By the time that date came around, I was alone except for the bottle and had very little.  Oh I had friends, but they weren't really friends to be honest.  I was getting to the point I would do anything just to get just one fix.  (There is a song by Ministry (not Christian, it is  Industrial Metal) called Just One Fix consequently).  

Never trust a junkie

Blood keeps drifting your way
Certain of its destination
Driving through New Orleans at night
Gotta find a destination

Just one fix

So sitting in that cell I thought my life was over.  Detoxing in a jail cell is hell.  And I felt I deserved that hell.  Just like when I spent 2 years all together at Cenikor, I felt I deserved that fear and pain I felt everyday (In fact Cenikor was way worse than jail but that is a story probably best left untold).  But this is not a post on self pity.  It is not a walk down the memory lane of my addiction.  It is a post on hope.  I've said this before, two weeks before I ended up in that cell I prayed for God to help me.  Can you fix this I said?  Don't get me wrong, I was going through the DT's.  Delerium Tremors. I was very sick.  I could not get any alcohol down me (I would later learn this was possibly alcohol poisoning).  But eventually the alcohol stayed down and I forgot about the prayer.  But God didn't.

You see, lots of people were praying for me.  My Mom, Dad, brother and family were praying.  But it was at a distance.  You see watching someone slowly destroy themselves is not something fun to watch.  I get it.  But those prayers, those precious loving prayers would get answered that day. 

I never set out to hurt my family.  I never set out to destroy my life.  I never set out to lie so blatantly for attention.  I never set out to become what I had become.  Codependency raged.  Suicidal depression was ever present.  Another song comes to mind by Motionless in White (Metalcore music) called Masterpiece.  The lyrics state, 

So how do I apologize
And put the tears back in your eyes?
When every canvas that I paint
Is a masterpiece of my mistakes

And in the light of my demise
I see my failures in your eyes
Every canvas that I paint
Is a masterpiece made of my mistakes

 How do I put the tears back in your eyes it says?

Seems simple, get into recovery.  And on that day, unwittingly I did.  God answered prayers.  He set about a set of circumstances where I would have to confront myself.  Whether a witty detective or God speaking through him the results are what matter.  I confronted what I had done, confessed what I had done, and began a long, hard road.   As hard as it is for me to remember, it was an image of my Mom and my sister in law while in jail visitation that put everything in perspective.  That image will never be forgotten.  And it was one of the driving forces for my change.  I cannot put the tears back into my Mom's eyes, but I can do my best to keep those tears from happening again.

I felt like a failure or, as the song says, a masterpiece made of my mistakes.  Oh but God had different plans.  Glorious plans.  I thought my life was over, but it had just begun.  I thought I was a masterpiece of mistakes, but God does not make junk (cannot remember where I heard that) and I was being molded into a masterpiece, not of mistakes, but of redemption.  Mercy Me sings a favorite song of mine called Flawless:

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We're on the edge of our seats saying it's too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

 My favorite hymn is "Love Lifted Me" and it states:

I was sinking deep in sin
Far from the peaceful shore
Very deeply stained within
Sinking to rise no more
But the master of the sea

Heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me
Now safe am I

Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me
Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me

 God's love lifted me.  Through the storms of the past 20 years God has never left my side.  I look now at all that God has blessed me with.  I am not perfect.  Only God is perfect and His love is perfect.  He did not take away the storms.  He did not take away the consequences.  But He has carried me in the storms and comforted me in the consequences.  I am a work in progress.  I am a masterpiece in God's eyes.  How do I know?  20 years ago I thought my life was over.   But God took this lump of clay and put me on His potter's wheel.  And He began to mold me.  Oh there were times it was not comfortable.  Early in my recovery I was very prideful.  But God taught me humility.  God has continuously reminded me of His goodness, faithfulness, mercy and grace.  God had no obligation to help me.  Just like He had no obligation to send His Son to die for our sins.  Willingly Jesus went and willingly He helped me.  I am His child.

So moving on to 20 years later:

My family has forgiven me.  I don't deserve their forgiveness but freely they have given it to me.   I go now and I am their oldest son.  As the years go on it has been one of not bringing up the past but living in the present and preparing for the future.  My parents home FEELS like home.

I am married to the love of my life.  I could not have dreamed up a better mate than who God chose for me.  Not just my wife but her family has been, well, a family to me.  I don't feel like an in law, I feel like a son, cousin, uncle.  They accepted me with open arms.    Her sister is an artist and put us in a room together and I bet we could talk art all day long.  And to her sister's children I am Unkie P.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of that nickname.  I like to think I am one of the favorite uncles.

God gave me a job I am thankful for Him giving me.   Is it my ideal job?  No.  I'd love to create art all day.  I would.  I'd love to take pictures, do acrylic pours, continue to teach myself linux and tinker with coding and building computers.  Heck, truth be told, I'd love to own a used bookstore/artshop/computer shop (all or just one, I can downsize lol)  and have a place were artists, book lovers, and geeks alike could commune.  Maybe one day God will answer that dream.  But when I gave my life to God I gave it to Him.  It isn't mine anymore.  I ran my life for a little bit and it did not turn out so well, God has done a much better job. 

God has given me hobbies that allow me to have a creative outlet.  I am self taught.  The art of learning, well, the different artistic endeavors that I embark upon brings me great joy.  I probably have more projects than time, but that is good, it keeps me busy.

God has given me a heart for those suffering from mental health issues and illness.  As I have worked in ministry voluntarily off and on in the past 20 years, that is who God has truly put on my heart.  My own addiction was my way of coping with my mental illness and I have had to learn different, healthier ways to cope.  Our fur daughter, Sophie, is one of those healthier ways.  I always considered myself a cat person, till Sophie came along.  Now that little girl has her Daddy wrapped around her little paw.  Just like her Momma has my heart.

So when I am asked what advice I would give to someone just starting their recovery this is what I say.  Trust God and His process.  Everything is not going to fix itself in a day.  Patience is a virtue.  The people you hurt, unintentional or intentional, are not going to just up and trust you right away.  Your going to have to walk that narrow path.  Your consequences are real and not God's fault.  Some are short lived some you will live with for the rest of your life.  When times get hard, and they will, you have to rely on your support system.  That could be family, AA, CR, church, a community group, an art group, any group where you are safe without temptation that you can talk openly and freely to.  Some people may forgive you but may keep you at a distance.  That is okay.  Others will forgive and eventually trust again.  Did I mention trust God?  He has a purpose for your life, you just have to have the courage to trust God and follow His path.  Don't think your going to get everything back (material things) all at once.  Dont try to make that happen, let God put what He wants back into your life, nothing more nothing less)   Another thing.  No one is perfect.  Your going to make mistakes.    Don't let them define you, and don't let them hinder you.   God is always there.  Talk to Him.  I talk to Him like He is in the room with me.  I talk to God honestly.  If I am mad, or sad, I tell Him.  God is a big God.  In the end I realize God is God.  After all, do you know anyone who can put a hook in Leviathan's mouth besides God?  That is pretty powerful.  That same God is the God I serve.  Sometime I just have to get out of the way.  My blog is a way for me to get my feelings out, vent, talk and just get things out of my head.  I have blogged about things before and then had to go back and say I was wrong.  That is okay too.  The point is, this blog is an outlet, a way for me to express myself.  Sometimes I wallow in self pity and sometimes God speaks words of wisdom.  The point is for this blog, my feelings are real and sometimes I have to express what I am feeling at the time, right or wrong.  But that is okay.  Because whether one person reads this blog or a million is not the point.  If I help one person with this blog in over 13 years of writing it, then it is a success.  God uses it as He sees fit, those who need to see it, will.  

Have I rambled on long enough?  I am thankful today.  And yes even though I have a stressful job I am thankful.  So many don't have a job.  I am blessed because even in the hardest job, God is still there.  So here is to 20 years of walking in recovery.  Has it been easy?  No.  Has it been worth it?  Yes.  I am thankful that I got up this morning and got to watch Sophie chase birds and even take a picture of a few birds.  So this memorial day I remember where I was and where God has brought me.

Baa