I am Back!

 

 

 

Coming in hot!  Lol.  Okay it has been almost 5 months since I have blogged.  Been longer since I have blogged consistently.  I took a break.  A social media break.  I have not been on Facebook very much at all.  Ginger has taken that over with lots of pictures of Shih Tzu's.  In fact the only one I have really been on is Instagram and Pinterest.  Though I am going to put Flickr in the mix here soon.

I was going to start at the beginning of the year but I got Covid and been dealing with depression and anxiety mostly related to job issues which was exasperated by the Covid playing havoc with the said depression and anxiety.  Weekends consisted with me lounging around the house for the most part not motivated by much.  Part of that was recovery from illness, part of it was the depression.

Not that I haven't taken pictures.  I have about 1500 pictures to go through to see which one's are keepers.  I have found great joy in taking my camera out.

So Friday (2/18) was a horrible day depression wise.  When I had my last review I had just come back for a couple of weeks from Covid.  I was dealing with severe brain fog.  I could not remember things.  So in the review I was asked why I had been so scatterbrained.  Really?  As I explained it to my boss he said yes, he deals with that too.  He has had COVID 3 times.  Fully vaccinated and boosted.  But that apparently did not matter.  So though the review was not horrible, it was not what I would be considered great.  I mean I did score in the Above Average category at the end.  But it was the comments at the bottom that quite honestly stung.  Especially since there was a reason I had been struggling.  So Friday I got my copy with his notes.  And for Friday I did, I have to admit, let my depression run full gamut on me.  Throw in a little bit of self pity if I am honest.  After all I also heard some of the things being said about me.   But something snapped that night.

I woke up this next morning....motivated.  God inspired, I pulled a white erase board out and placed that review right in the center and hung it up in my studio.  And then I began to write affirmations around it, refuting what was said about me with truth and a direction to move forward.  I had time with God.  My prayer life in the past two days has been vastly improved.  I pulled out my Bible and began digging into it.  Not just casually reading the chapter a day, tick off the box, type of reading, but really getting into it, studying it.  And listening.  Today I started to write in my journal.

And I got out and did something I have been wanting to do for months.  I went around these places I know around Tyler and took pictures of the wonderful graffiti that I have noticed on occasion.  It is artwork and I love artwork.  It was liberating.  There I was, by myself with God, doing what I love.  

And I realize something.  I was honest in that review.  Though I can manage, lead, and direct people it does not come natural.  I have often felt in the past couple of years that I have been being pushed into a role that I am not designed by God to do.  I know what I am good at.  I am a good helper.  I work very well alone or in a team setting.  I am detail oriented and an organization guru.  But when there is a job full of chaos where I am getting told what to do from several directions, with no direction, yep I struggle.  But it is funny how you can be vulnerable and have that used against you.  And here is a bombshell, I think I was trying to please everyone at the expense of making myself miserable.  

So what has changed.  Putting that board up gave me something to look at everyday to motivate me to do better.  I wrote this:  The more you move forward the less behind you become.  A Paulism inspired by God.  I have been reading a daily devotion, My Utmost for the Highest which has been helping me.  I have learned that starting out my day with God is so very important.  And with a journal I can put my fears and hopes down.  

So I feel the guidance of God.  Leading me.  I feel change coming and usually that would scare me to death.  But I feel such a calmness.  A peace.  In fact, I have felt that peace all weekend.  God is aware of my situation.  I have had such a fear of getting back into computers because I fear rejection because of my past.  I took my eyes off God and looked at the wind and waves.  

And now, NOW I realize that this blog is part of my therapy.  I have missed it.  I have missed putting my thoughts down and talking about some crazy stuff and pictures and art.  So I have a bullet list to look at of things I want to accomplish.

I have thrown around the idea of going back to Celebrate Recovery.  But every time that happens road blocks come up.  Most of the management team goes there.  But that means that I don't have a group that does not have one of them in it.  And unfortunately, as is human nature, things get shared.  Several weeks ago I went and went to small group and shared some things.  Some of that got out.  I remember talking with my Dad about this when I visited and talking about letting the past be the past.  Celeberate Recovery is a wonderful program.  But at this time I feel like God is moving me in a different direction.  I will tell you I think the first step was moving into a deeper relationship with God.

So I have moved to the Apartment side of things at work.  Not necessarily less stress but more suited for my skill set.  Now I know why my Dad never wanted to go into management!  How long will this last?  Will God have something else for me?  Not sure.  But I do know this.  As I press in closer to Him, His voice becomes clearer.  God never forces us to do something, we have free will.  So I am freely moving toward Him.  

It feels really good to be back guys and gals.  I have missed this blog and I have missed ya'll.  Here is to a brighter future!  More pictures and blogs are in the future.  Feels good to be writing and creating again.  So everyone buckle up and let's see what God can do!

Just a taste of what I have.  Woodpecker and female Cardinal at feeder.  More pictures on the way as I begin to move forward.  Can't believe some of the shots I got!  More to follow:

Just a teaser of what is to come:

What has motivated me, given me a kick  in the pants:

Enjoy everyone and it feels good to say this:

Baa