East Texas State Fair Photograhy Results

 Hello to everyone!  It has been a little bit but I had been busy getting things together for the East Texas State Fair.  The Fair, and with it the Photography Contest, was open this year after having been postponed last year because of COVID.  So it was nice to be able to put some pictures in.  And with those pictures, which I will give you below, I received 4 firsts and 3 seconds.  I had pretty stiff competition this year and I was actually excited.  I did not win the Fine Arts category, I struggled with what to pictures to put in but I can tell you that the winner's pictures were really good and gave me some great ideas.  And even though that person won the Fine Arts in a head to head, I won the Nature category with the same person in a head to head.  This competition, though, was a good thing.  It lit a spark in me.  More on that in a moment, first the pictures I entered were (And the place they came in is in the caption):

Quarantine-First Place Human Interests

 

Ellis County Courthouse-First Place Heritage and History

 

Josie meets Sophie

 

Green Flower

 

Moon Wizard-2nd Place Photomanipulation

 

Black Widow-2nd Place Nature

ZigZag

Tennessee Stream-1st Place Landscaping

Water Wheel-2nd Place Heritage and History

Butterfly and Flower-1st place Nature

I put them in no particular order except the first one.  Quarantine.  This is the one, secretly, that I wanted to win.  I took it the last weekend I had to submit photos.  It was an idea that came to me the weekend before while walking Sophie.  In fact it has become something I look forward to on Sunday Morning, walking Sophie, talking to God earnestly and getting ideas.

So for me the picture is haunting.  Black and white and grainy on purpose.  I had taken several shots, this was the only one in which Sophie was looking back at the camera.  To me it invokes a feeling of isolation and longing to be free.  For that matter it could be a picture that shows how depression feels to me.

The one I am most proud of is the butterfly.  This is another one in which I had several shots but this one just had all the boxes checked.  It is also taken with my old camera.

So a couple of weeks ago I learned of a friends father committing suicide.  He had been struggling.  It always saddens me when I hear this.  Depression has so many facets.  It has so many tentacles and symptoms.  I have been struggling myself, but mine has manifested into isolation, lack of interest and feelings of being trapped (Ginger understands this one perfectly) in a job that is doing my health no good when I feel like this.  For the most part I can let things roll off my back.  But our company has pretty much doubled in the amount of workers we have which has brought more pressure on my boss's leads, like me.   In fact I am the minority among the workers and not speaking Spanish does not help.  And with my boss wanting to go to performance based bonuses instead of raises, well, that has not settled with me too well.  Don't get me wrong, I can rock in performance.  But this happened at my last job.  We were a crew that just got the job done, together.  Then came performance and how much can you get done (for the company, for me).  And then every man for himself.  My boss said if you work late or work on Saturday's it is a feather in your hat.  Don't need the feathers.  In one breath he complained for awhile how much he had to work.  Now, with two office people (though one is very sick right now, he got COVID then got complications), he doesn't have to work so much but now he wants us to sacrifice our family time for him?  Thank you but no thanks.  And with that, I think team based work suffers personally.  As one person said, if you have more than one person do the work, how do you know who is doing the work?  We just fired my latest helper, for lying about what he could do.  Once again I was in a position of doing two peoples work.  At least this time my boss acted quickly.  But when I started in this company 5 years ago, we were a small team and we worked together to get things done.  And if something went wrong we had each others backs.  Sadly, we are moving away from that.  I hear: figure it out way, too often, I don't have time to help, we have to get this done today when there is no way we can unless we stay till 10 at night.

So with that comes the trapped feeling.  Because I have to work.  I have a beautiful wife and fur daughter to take care of.  So I grit my teeth and try to leave work at work when I close the bay door to my work truck, get in my own vehicle and put some Hardstyle Techno on.  Not everything there is doom and gloom.  Don't get me wrong, there are problems, but when you look at them through depression goggles, everything looks a little bit darker.  And then simple tasks sometimes become mountains.

I have even looked online at jobs up in Waterloo Iowa.  Talk about escaping!  But that is not feasible right now.  Ginger helps with her Mom with her Dad who has blood cancer.  Ginger knows the name of it I know it is a long word lol.

Yes, I know I have been talking about getting a new job, reading for an A+ certification to take the test.  Like I said this summer depression slowly crept in (For you Metal Old Timers, Creeping Death is going through my head right now-those that know, KNOW that song!)  Thankfully, however, change is coming.

For starters, in a couple of weeks I will be going to Pennsylvania to be with the Ackerman clan.  When I say a family of artists, I mean it!  And I am about to have fall colors and leaves, art talk, and Ginger will have sister talk, and I am just so excited.  Of course there is always the travel anxiety but here is the thing.  My fear is missing the plane.  That's it.  Not worried about security, etc.  Just having enough time.  Of course Ginger and I are always early, we have always been that way when we travel.  And then in December we go up to see my parents, Cindy, Chelsea, and a few others.  I get to be around my family.  Which leads me too:

 I miss my family, terribly.  I do.  I look forward to each December to see them.  I look forward to football season and texting my Dad back and forth.  I miss the feeling of calm I feel when I walk into my Mom and Dad's house.  God is there.  And I can put every worry, every care, away outside and just enjoy my family.  

So all that said this weekend has been up and down for me.  I did not have to work yesterday so I was able to just get out and just do some things.  Have a Paul day.  Go places that I wanted to go (and one that I needed to go to get groceries) and just try to relax.  The job I am on now in the back of my mind I am just trying to push away and I have found that if I engage my mind then that goes away.  I picked up a book on Photoshop with my fun money yesterday.  My interests are starting to come back (Ever heard of a Raspberry PI?) and I think God knew what He was doing when he put on Ginger and I's heart to go see Jenny and fam in October.  He always knows, doesn't He?  I think He has forgotten me and then you realize that God had something to do with that, He knew way back then and now here I am going wow God, you already knew.  And so suddenly trapped becomes hopeful.

 Sometimes I wish I was independently wealthy and could just quit and do what I want.  Play the lottery.  You can go online and see all sorts of self help and self wealth gurus.  Of course I did read about one preacher who said that Jesus has not come back because people are not giving enough money.  Seriously, my jaw dropped.  But I digress.  As I write this blog and my creative talent is not blocked but comes flowing out with my words I begin to take my eyes off the wind, the waves, and realize that God is in control.  Sometimes I want to yell, "DO YOU SEE ME!  I AM STRUGGLING!  WHY!  What am I saying, I have done that.  But then God in a still small voice says my grace is sufficient enough for you.  Our sermon this morning was spot on.  Our identity as Christians is in Christ.   Not work, not artwork, not stuff.    The God of the universe is under control.  He has got this.  My biggest lesson and takeway is, I need to trust Him.  He has this. He has taken care of me through far worse and I have survived.  And so I need to stop worrying about the job or another career for that matter.  I have been fearful and like Jesus said in the boat, "Why are you so fearful?"  What is happening is happening for a reason.  I may not know the reason but if I can take comfort in this, He knows the reason and He has my best interest at heart.  Trust Him.

Love ya'll and thanks for letting me ramble!

Baa

P.S.  After writing all that and getting it out of my head (I have been writing this blog in my head for a while) I do feel much better.  Now that I think of it, the past week I have been waking up at 5 am in the morning from a dead sleep.  Maybe some morning devotion is in order.....)