Week 16 and Week 17 I am the Storm

 

Back at the Ranch!!!!!

 

So it has been two weeks since my last post.  There has been a lot of outpouring of love and support to which I truly am thankful.  As I stated in the disclaimer I was and am doing much better.  Too often, however, voices are silent on this subject and then a tragedy happens.  This week I learned of someone in our circle of influence who succumbed to depression.   This is a subject that is dear to my heart and a mission to get the word out.  If you suffer your not alone.  

So in my last post I talked about chemical imbalance.  Some think depression is all in the mind but there are so many factors.  We are not demon possessed, something that some extremist right Christian groups have tried to convince me of.  I have had hands laid on me, been anointed with oil, told if you name it you claim it, and even came close to being involved in an exorcism.  

To be sure of full disclosure, I am a Christian.  But I am not an extremist.  Can God heal my depression?  The short answer is yes.  So why have I not been healed I am asked.  Some say, those extremists, lack of faith.  Really?  I believe Jesus died for my sins, no doubt, and His death and resurrection is the sacrifice that saved me.  Nothing I did or can do can save me, Jesus paid it all.  No my "healing" comes in the daily provision God gives me to get through each day and the fact that I can help others by saying yes I feel that here is how I cope.  We live in a fallen world.  I must, however, rely on God's strength, not my own, His provision, not mine.

Chemical imbalance.  I learned something this past couple weeks.  So I rarely, if ever, drink coffee.  My morning drink for the longest has been mountain dew.  But for some compelling reason I decided to have a small can of red bull.  I love the taste and I would sip it through the morning.  No jitters, no zing.  But my mood seemed, well, more stable.  I already knew the small can had less caffeine than coffee or mountain dew.  And less sugar.  But what I did not know is the b vitamins it packs.  So I did some research.  There is a correlation between b vitamins and depression and anxiety.  B vitamins are water soluble meaning that need to be replaced daily.  And I have been deficient.  So that one can provided something.  Now to be sure I am clear, foods are obviously healthier and better and I am looking into some diet changes to alleviate that.  People saw me drinking red bull and said that is bad for you!  No, depression and anxiety are much worse.  Drink Bang was one solution which is sugar free.  Redbull has 84mg of caffeine for small can.  Bang has 300 and artificial sweeteners which give me bad headaches.  Nope, sticking with the bull.

This does not take away from the outside influences that made my depression spiral.  But my past few customers have made it clear how good I am at my job, including a several hundred dollar tip from one.  I also faced my fears and demons and requested the very jobs that helped propel this last episode.  In other words, I got back on the horse.  And excelled.  Mind you, I had a different crew.  

So where does God come in?  Knowledge of the b vitamins.  I will never forget being at Walmart, seeing the red bull and this thought saying try this.  Ginger has noticed a vst improvement.  In other areas, helping me get back on the horse.  Showing me one man's opinion doesn't hold a candle to several.  Separation from those that trigger.  I cannot avoid everyone but I can limit contact and not feeding into the complaining.  This blog is my outlet.  Complaining, gossiping, etc do nothing but harm.  I love Celebrate Recovery but when most of your work leadership and CR leadership are the same then when conflict at work arises it affects people's attitudes at the other.  Just being honest and I am not the only one that notices.  And with work leadership in every single small group I cannot be truly honest, I have to hold back.  So I have learned to rely on my other support groups where I can be totally honest.

And prayer.  I want a new job.  No secret there if you have been following me for awhile.  I have had several people tell me to start my own remodel business.  No.  My body is feeling the effects.  My knee, my shoulder.  I work through the pain, but I do not want to.  I need a less physically demanding job.  And God knows that.  Computers, photography, artwork are all viable options.  But what does God want?  Where does He want me?  Taking an A+ test is the start.  Getting my new camera is another.  Getting on Etsy or making a website is another.  These are things that age is not a huge factor.  Stepping out in faith, trusting God, listening to wisdom, to which I need.  Not letting fear override action.  This is big.

Music helps me a lot.  But it can be a double edged sword.  Yes, some that I listen too can be depressing but it helps me not feel so alone.  But follow down the rabbit trail too long and you can find yourself going deeper.  Balance is key.

You see opening up like this, putting feelings out there is so important.    My mental health and helping others is important.  God is in control, I must never forget that.  He is bigger than my depression, I just have to remember He is in the throes of it.

Lastly, I am a warrior.  I have Viking blood and heredity.  I came across some viking songs by Peyton Parrish.  Valhalla calling and My Mother Told Me are my favorites.  Great uplifted.  So even though I got knocked down, I have risen back up again, I am healing from the battle, and ready to wield my axe (or in the case of Thor, the Norse god of storm a hammer) again.  Though in this picture below you could say I am channeling some of Loki.....

“Fate whispers to the warrior, ‘You cannot withstand the storm.’ The warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm.’”

 

 

 

 

 

I spent last week playing around in the cemetery.  Funny, you have a guy who deals with depression playing with his camera in the cemetery!  But it was so much fun playing with my camera!  And since Photoshop has a sky replacement tool and I have a shot that I took that I love, well, why not!  

Last week I also did some acrylic pours!  Still playing around with fluorescents!  Creative mojo was just flowing last week into this week.

So things are going well.  I have some decisions to make and some things to put into action.  I need to get organized and structured, two things that I can be quite good at.  You, dear reader, get to be part of that journey if you read this blog.  Let's see what God can do because I don't want to limit God.

Baa