Week 31: Self Talk
Happy Sunday to everyone! It has been a busy week for me and I have learned a bit about myself and actually walked down memory lane, in a good way, this week. So as I drink my Mountain Dew Liberty Blend (that tastes like liquid pixie sticks) and place my headphones on to tune out the world lets dive in shall we!
Yesterday I was in Half Priced Books and I found this:
I had to text my Dad, I mean I just had too! I grew up reading Doc Savage! And Conan! And Red Sonya! This brought back soooo many good memories of my childhood. I may have to go back and get it just as a memory! I remember going into the drug store or book store and getting them.
Another picture from the fishing trip:
So I learned a bit about myself, like I said. Though I have worked on it for years in recovery, I still deal with self talk at times. Dealing with depression and anxiety there is always that little voice inside that can, at times, make you doubt yourself (think of my picture the Voice Within) Unless you have dealt with it, it is hard to explain, those that have will understand perfectly. The things that set it off are usually words other people say. When I encounter what I feel is hostility or being looked down upon, I have a defense mechanism inside that triggers where I instantly put up walls and go within. The key word there is what I feel. I may not be looked down upon, but it is the perception, the tone of voice, being dismissed, etc. And that person may not even know they are doing it.
Sometimes I have a look or say something to Ginger and she will say you gave me a look or you said this and it hurt my feelings. I use to defend myself, I didn't say it that way, or look that way, until I realized that, well, I cannot see my face and sometimes I cannot hear my tone...but she can. Now, I apologize. Because lets face it. When I get hungry I can get moody. When I am concentrating on something I can act annoyed at being bothered. Hey, I am just being honest. And I appreciate Ginger telling me because the last person I want to hurt is her. How hard is it just to say "I'm sorry?"
But what happens when that person doesn't say "I'm sorry", even if they really did say something or have an attitude? As a Christian, you have to learn to let it go. Sometimes you will never get that "I'm sorry" or forgive me. And that can be hard. Pride can set in. Resentment can eat at you. But I have learned, in those instances, to give it to God. You have too. So when I feel dismissed I am surrounded by a wonderful support group, family and friends who I can talk too, who can help me realize how special I truly am.
Because let's face it. I am unique. I am a left handed artist/photographer. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Electronic Engineering Technology and I was one year away from a Master in Computer Science. I have a very high IQ. I am self taught in many areas, including photography and Photoshop. I am a master troubleshooter that I get from my Dad. I am one heck of an organizer that I get from my Mom. I am married to the prettiest girl in the world (in my eyes) who is my soulmate, my heart song. I have been published, twice. In fact when my article came out Ginger's Mom spearheaded emails and texts to Ginger's family honoring me for getting published. The people that work around me right now love working with me. I am a hard worker. And all of this, all of this, is from God. And when I went down a road of self destruction, God heard prayers and intervened. And I recovered. And it was hard. And even though all the above is true I felt, at one time, like nothing. But God lifted me up. Everything I have now I owe to a merciful and gracious God. So when I feel less than, sometimes I just need to look up and realize what God thinks of me, His child. You know what helps me the most each day? True story. Every day I come home from work, Ginger is out on the balcony with Sophie. I get out of the truck, no matter how crappy the day has been and the first thing I hear is, "Daddy's home!" I come up the stairs and Sophie is just wagging her tail. Ginger can't wait to give me a hug. And everything bad fades. Because that is what is important, and each day God reminds me of what is important.
Baa
P.S. Medical Updates
Update on Ginger's Dad. He should be getting discharged from the hospital here soon. And then they will be coming back to Tyler. We are definitely looking forward to seeing them again. Thank you for your prayers!
Also, one of my best of friends wife is in the hospital. She has a sepsis infection in her blood. He has really been going through it (he has a foot that just will not heal as well). So please keep him and his wife in your prayers.
Ginger had her EEG and MRI. We will know the results on Friday when we go see the Neurologist. Please keep her in your prayers. She is still dealing with dizziness so hopefully we can get some answers. We think it is tied to her medication and low blood pressure but God is good and continues to guide us!
And this month I will be gathering together pictures for the East Texas State Fair Photography Contest! Can't believe it is here again! Stay tuned!
Yesterday I was in Half Priced Books and I found this:
I had to text my Dad, I mean I just had too! I grew up reading Doc Savage! And Conan! And Red Sonya! This brought back soooo many good memories of my childhood. I may have to go back and get it just as a memory! I remember going into the drug store or book store and getting them.
Another picture from the fishing trip:
So I learned a bit about myself, like I said. Though I have worked on it for years in recovery, I still deal with self talk at times. Dealing with depression and anxiety there is always that little voice inside that can, at times, make you doubt yourself (think of my picture the Voice Within) Unless you have dealt with it, it is hard to explain, those that have will understand perfectly. The things that set it off are usually words other people say. When I encounter what I feel is hostility or being looked down upon, I have a defense mechanism inside that triggers where I instantly put up walls and go within. The key word there is what I feel. I may not be looked down upon, but it is the perception, the tone of voice, being dismissed, etc. And that person may not even know they are doing it.
Sometimes I have a look or say something to Ginger and she will say you gave me a look or you said this and it hurt my feelings. I use to defend myself, I didn't say it that way, or look that way, until I realized that, well, I cannot see my face and sometimes I cannot hear my tone...but she can. Now, I apologize. Because lets face it. When I get hungry I can get moody. When I am concentrating on something I can act annoyed at being bothered. Hey, I am just being honest. And I appreciate Ginger telling me because the last person I want to hurt is her. How hard is it just to say "I'm sorry?"
But what happens when that person doesn't say "I'm sorry", even if they really did say something or have an attitude? As a Christian, you have to learn to let it go. Sometimes you will never get that "I'm sorry" or forgive me. And that can be hard. Pride can set in. Resentment can eat at you. But I have learned, in those instances, to give it to God. You have too. So when I feel dismissed I am surrounded by a wonderful support group, family and friends who I can talk too, who can help me realize how special I truly am.
Because let's face it. I am unique. I am a left handed artist/photographer. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Electronic Engineering Technology and I was one year away from a Master in Computer Science. I have a very high IQ. I am self taught in many areas, including photography and Photoshop. I am a master troubleshooter that I get from my Dad. I am one heck of an organizer that I get from my Mom. I am married to the prettiest girl in the world (in my eyes) who is my soulmate, my heart song. I have been published, twice. In fact when my article came out Ginger's Mom spearheaded emails and texts to Ginger's family honoring me for getting published. The people that work around me right now love working with me. I am a hard worker. And all of this, all of this, is from God. And when I went down a road of self destruction, God heard prayers and intervened. And I recovered. And it was hard. And even though all the above is true I felt, at one time, like nothing. But God lifted me up. Everything I have now I owe to a merciful and gracious God. So when I feel less than, sometimes I just need to look up and realize what God thinks of me, His child. You know what helps me the most each day? True story. Every day I come home from work, Ginger is out on the balcony with Sophie. I get out of the truck, no matter how crappy the day has been and the first thing I hear is, "Daddy's home!" I come up the stairs and Sophie is just wagging her tail. Ginger can't wait to give me a hug. And everything bad fades. Because that is what is important, and each day God reminds me of what is important.
Baa
P.S. Medical Updates
Update on Ginger's Dad. He should be getting discharged from the hospital here soon. And then they will be coming back to Tyler. We are definitely looking forward to seeing them again. Thank you for your prayers!
Also, one of my best of friends wife is in the hospital. She has a sepsis infection in her blood. He has really been going through it (he has a foot that just will not heal as well). So please keep him and his wife in your prayers.
Ginger had her EEG and MRI. We will know the results on Friday when we go see the Neurologist. Please keep her in your prayers. She is still dealing with dizziness so hopefully we can get some answers. We think it is tied to her medication and low blood pressure but God is good and continues to guide us!
And this month I will be gathering together pictures for the East Texas State Fair Photography Contest! Can't believe it is here again! Stay tuned!
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