Week 45: Psychotic Break and Beautifully Broken

My Beautiful wife and I

When I look at the picture above I am reminded of a song I have been listening to by Plumb this week, Beautifully Broken:

You're beautifully broken
And you can be whole again
Even a million scars
Doesn't change whose you are
You're worthy
Beautifully broken

 

 So you cannot tell from the picture but Ginger suffers from Bipolar Disorder, anxiety and OCD.  I am a recovering alcoholic/addict who suffers from depression and anxiety.  Ginger is on medication, I am not (I have bad side effects with antidepressents).  And yet we live a very successful, loving and joyful life.  We know who we are in Christ and we know we live in a fallen world.  Life can get hard but it can also be quite joyful.  And regardless of what we suffer from, we are beautifully broken:

Oh, the god who made the stars
Is the god that made your heart
And he's holding you right now
He can heal the broken parts
And make beauty from the scars, the scars
Beautiful scars!

 

 Ginger and I lean on each other through the hard times.  And this week, Wednesday in fact, was a really bad one for me, I had for lack of a better term, a psychotic break.  So before I get into it let me reassure everyone of something, I am in a much better place mentally right now.  Also, I already had a plan in place should my depression ever take me that low, and the plan worked, to perfection.  In fact not once did I think I needed to take a drink or do drugs, my first thought was prayer (I asked God for help) and then I called Ginger.  I have never called her to say I am struggling which shows you a) How often I get that low, and b) How serious it was.  

Let me say this, I did not see it coming either.  There were warning signs.  I was losing interest in things, more than normal.  I was not sleeping.  If not for Ginger cooking I was not eating.  Work was a big stressor, just so much having to be done and then things going wrong.  Normally I get weekends to regroup.  But the past two weekends before this one I was getting phone calls on Friday night about things that had gone wrong on jobs and was having a hard time letting things go.  And then during my blog time there were distractions of life that I had to attend too so I was not getting reset.  It was a chore just to eat, just to get up and go to work.  Even for work I was losing interest.  And yet I am the responsible one, I have to keep it together because everyone is relying on me.  Someone told me do not sweat the small stuff.  Unfortunately all the small stuff added up to big stuff.  The final straw was a job in which the paint job needed touching up (FYI the next day in 2 hours we fixed the paint job and it looked great!).  I was juggling a new person, having another person inside doing work so I could do outside work because it was going to rain.  We had already taken to long on the job and I was feeling rushed.  So processes were missed and I took it personally.  Well, sort of.  I reverted back to my childhood and teenage years when I felt I wasn't good at much.  Believe me, there was a time I couldn't paint, do drywall, carpentry or much with my hands and no one would let me do any of that anyway.  Even when I got to Tyler.  But I am self taught and I learned and taught myself and had a few people who would help me figure things out.    It is different today, now I am actually part of the A team.  It took a lot of hard work.   But when I make a mistake I have to catch myself not to go back there.  Yes, I have perfectionistic issues.

So I called Ginger and when I went home I just unloaded.  I did not realize it was all in there.  I cried (and I am NOT ashamed of that, it feels good to cry I just don't much) and began to get some release and reality set back in.  The next day we went to community group and had about the most powerful, God filled, open discussion I have had with a group of close friends I have about ever had.  It was very open and it was not just about me.  Everyone shared.  There were tears and insight and much of what I wrote above I learned from that night as we discussed these issues.  

So here is the thing.  My support group worked.  My depression plan worked.  In the midst of falling into a dark pit, when I recognized it, I put things into motion.  I prayed and reached out.  It is okay to have depression.  Listen to me.  It is okay to be Bipolar, Depressive, have anxiety disorders, it is okay.  There are ways to cope and there is help out there for whatever you are struggling with.  But we have to reach out and we have to talk about these things.  Now that I know more of my warning signs (and more importantly my support group does too), there is a better chance of catching things before you feel your world is falling apart.  If you are around people who do not want to talk about it, you can talk about it with me, Ginger, and a host of other friends I have.  Because we are in this together.  

So it feels like I am in a war (Thank you to Sum 41 and their song War), in my mind.  Which sparked the next set of pictures.  Of course Sophie, ever curious, wanted to know what Daddy was doing in the studio:

She was giving Daddy kisses.  Yes, I let my dog kiss me.  And since Ginger is the only one I kiss and Sophie kisses her too, well, we good.

And then as I was getting my props ready, she wanted up in Daddy's lap again.  How can I resist?  And you know what she is a therapy dog.  She just knows if Ginger or I are having a bad day and will curl up on our laps and sleep as if to say, it is going to be all right Mommy and Daddy!

So the real shot I wanted to take was this next one:

I call this Tools of Warfare.  Of course there is the Bible, that firm foundation to which I stand on.  There is also my camera.  You just do not realize how therapeutic my pictures are to me and the process of me taking the pictures.  It is definitely part of my arsenal in fighting depression.

So as I stated earlier I am doing much better.  I am so much more at peace.  Even a hard job on Friday I was able to put into perspective.  I can only do my best with what I have before me.  I am only one man.  And my boss actually sent me a few texts letting me know how much he appreciated my hard work.  Feels good to be appreciated.  And that picture of Ginger and I up above, happy times.  We are more in love than ever and I thank God every day He chose her to be my wife.

So this week, speaking of photography, I got some new toys.  A month of working on the ranch on Saturday's helped me get them:

 

A new pro light meter to help me with my portrait and landscaping work, a replacement for my filter that dropped in the stream in Grotto falls and a Circular Polarizer to take glare out of peoples glasses when I photograph them!  It's the little things! 

So for those of you who did not see it coming that I got sick, well, I did not either, so we are all in that boat.  But don't worry, I have a smile on my face now.  Ginger is at her parents visiting (Susy and Dinos are back!!!!), Sophie is being good, the house is completely quiet except a little ringing in my ears and the sound of me typing, and I have been able to concentrate and write this blog all in one sitting.  Thank you for all your prayers and those of you who commented on Facebook.  If you take one thing away from this blog it is this, reach out if you are struggling.  I know some may say you are crying for attention, I disagree, for me it is a cry for help.  God definitely helped me and you know what, if you are struggling, he can help you too.

Baa