Not compromising

What do you do when someone tells you to compromise your spiritual beliefs? What do you do when that someone is a Christian? 4 years ago I probably would have let codependency overrule my spiritual conviction. I was asked to do that today, I'm happy to say I did not.

Changes are coming in employment, soon. I have a reputation as a hard worker. If you give me a job I do it to the best of my ability and I'm all about quality of work. And when I work my various side jobs people feel they are getting what they are paying for. I'm honest, sometimes to the point of underselling myself, and I share, upfront, my past, so that there are no secrets that a person I'm working for may come to find out. Yes, when I first work for them I'm watched. But I build a level of trust as I'm consistent. And if I'm not employed because of my past then that is a door God didn't want me to go through.

What would happen if I take short cuts in my drawing? I'd produce a drawing, but it wouldn't be of the quality I'd be happy with. I study anatomy, which has helped me greatly with noses, I put time and preperation into each work I do. Well, the same goes for remodelling. You can do a good job, or you can do a great job. You can be all about the money, or you can be proud of the job you've done and still get paid for a quality job.

But now things are happening that I can't ignore. Because someone else decides to compromise their spiritual beliefs doesn't mean I have to follow along. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to change. You can't fix people. I'm not sure I was trying to fix this individual, I'm soul searching that area of my heart, but you can only be a mentor for so long with an individual who knows right and chooses to be wrong before you finally have to step back. I'm having flashbacks to my past....

Ginger use to feel that I'd get back into computers. She dropped a bomb shell on me today. She doesn't feel that anymore, she feels my artwork will be my career in the future. Can I hope and dream? I've always felt others were better, I wouldn't be able to make it. Where would I get the work? But God did an amazing work in my heart this last portrait I did. And He gave me such a supporting wife who is encouraging me to pursue my dream. To be able to call my studio my work place is something I saw as impossible, but God deals with the impossible. Now, coming on our favorite time of year, and the drawing bug firmly biting me, I'm in my studio drawing again, for myself right now, but God will provide.

Change is coming and their is a certain amount of uncertainty with that. I'm not necessarily good with change and God has to prompt me, push me out of the box sometimes, in a loving way. But He has never, ever let me down, He has always provided. One of my side job employers tells me that one day he'll look back and say, that famous artist worked for me. I'm getting plenty of encouragement. But I realize something, I have to believe in myself. And I'm starting too. For so long I beat myself up over my past, telling myself I was not good enough, that I deserved the hard times I was going through or that I'll fail if I change things, shake the box up. Yes, I'm a co ministry leader, and I've felt this. What I'm realizing tonight, as I write this, I have to forgive myself. Wow. I have to forgive myself and realize I can pursue my dreams and I'm allowed to be happy. I didn't realize all this until tonight as I've opened my heart fully to God.

I think it is why I stay at certain jobs when I should have moved on long ago. I'm afraid of the change and scared of the unknown. I understand, to a degree, why people stay in abusive relationships. Because the fear of change is greater than the abuse. There is a pattern and routine and that is better than change. And there is fear of failure. It feels good to talk about this. Who am I relying upon anyway to provide for me?

But you know what. I am good enough. God doesn't make junk. And you know what, I can pursue that dream. God has given me a gift, not to hide, but to practice with and perfect. And the only way I'm going to do that is to step out of the box. He's given me some specific directions, now I just have to keep stepping as He guides. And I'm not perfect. I'll make mistakes, still make them, but I can learn from them.

So there you go, I've gotten vulnerable tonight. I've said Lord, here are some doors I've kept tightly shut, your not allowed in, until now. I didn't realize how tightly I was holding onto these doors, not letting anyone in. So tonight I'm having some time alone with God. He's waiting, patiently, to help me, but I have to open the door before He can...

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